I am not a religious person.
No, I am not an atheist. I am an agnostic.
Common sense dictates that since the universe is infinitesimally large, there is no way for anybody to prove that God does not exist! It is entirely possible that a supremely powerful entity is silently lurking out there - billions and billions of lightyears away from us. There's no way for anybody to dispute that possibility since our capacity to observe does not extend that far. Just because that hypothetical entity/being is not engaging us or does not manifest his existence to us, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
This belief might come as a surprise (and understandably, distressing) to my family, especially to Mama who taught me to be religious since I learned how to kneel in the altar. Back during the early years when my mother was still a devout Catholic, I was her unofficial "mananabtan". I remember those times when it was only the two of us praying the rosaries and the "novena" of many saints - San Vicente (my patron saint), Birhen sa Regla, Sto. Nino, etc. I can still remember those times when I slept slumped on my knees while praying and Mama has to continue the prayer on her own.
I became a Protestant long before Mama converted to it. I wasn't converted by anyone, nor "witnessed" by a "born again" evangelist. I just realized gradually realized that some of the Catholic rituals and beliefs just doesn't make sense. Reason, even on my early teens was beginning to have some influential.
When I left home for college, I was naturally attracted to a "born again" group called "Lakas Angkan". That was the time when I began to read the bible seriously - Genesis to Revelation. I attended countless meetings and seminars by this group.
I don't know what happened but I began distance from that religious group on my 2nd year in college. Maybe it was my fraternity or probably my girlfriend that occupied my spare time. But I soon found those religious people extremely boring. Against my jolly brods and sis and my girlfriend, the religious group did not stand a chance.
And then the days of my "Barracks Boys" group came and I officially became what they call a "backslider". The transformation was complete - from an innocent, scholarly, religious freshman to the alleged leader of the campus "bugoys".
People who knew me since I was a freshman, might be left wondering - what happened to this guy? Well, if they felt that way, how much more those who knew me since I was a "mananabtan" kid - my mother and relatives especially? I have metamorphosed from a beautiful butterfly to a despicable bug!
But the superficial anti-social behavior, which was the only readily observable change, was nothing compared to what's going on inside my mind. It was often said that ViSCA (our campus), with its idyllic setting, is highly conducive to learning. But I say, the ViSCA library is a reader's haven and the lonely walk from the library to my dormitory, and the peaceful beach is a thinker's paradise. That was indeed an intellectually formative period for me, no doubt about that.
Charles Darwin once said, "Disbelief came over me at a very slow rate but was at last complete. The rate was so slow that I felt no distress."
Mine was not as gently as Mr. Darwin's. My path towards disbelief was strewn with conflicting ideas, crude reasoning, frustration and tragedy. The frustrations were many but the tragedy is one - the death of my brother.
When my brother died, I told God something like this: "You're such an idiot, God. Here I am, with a huge potential to convince many people to stop believing you, a quarrelsome person who will pick a fight with anybody, risk-loving, heavy smoker, drunk driver, with anti-social tendencies, kind of an asshole to many and you did not see it fit to let me die early. Now here's this person, with a family entirely dependent on him, fun-loving, harmless, very amiable, far more religious than me, yet you have allowed him to die for no reason at all. Where's your infinite wisdom? You eliminate your enemies - not your friends, moron! Now here's the deal, since I cannot live peacefully thinking how idiotic you are, it would be more practical to assume that you, Mr. God does not exist and that, sir, would explain everything. Blind chance was the reason!"
I became an atheist.
As the years passed by, reason made some refinements and reinforcements to my beliefs and I realized that, as explained in my first paragraphs, the proposition that said "God exists" and the one that said "God does not exist" are both intellectually dishonest. There is no way for anybody to prove the existence or in-existence of God. Agnosticism is the correct path.
Note: Everything I wrote in this blog, I intend for public consumption. If you do not agree with what I'm saying here and are distressed by it, I'll say grow up and deal with it. I am a businessman - not a politician. And Philippines is not yet an Islamic country.
However, I will truly appreciate if you will not tell my mother what is being written here - especially in this particular article about religion. Thanks. :)
